Animal Porn: It's what you're viewing!

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 00:07:07 GMT

They began to pop up like flower buds in the midst of spring.
One by one, they peeked out over the chairs--leaving subtlety at the door.
"Mr. David!"
"Uncle David!"
"You hungry today?!"
He graciously smiled and nodded with an undeniable sprinkling of awkward.
"Starving!" He said. He smiled.
They smiled. "Boys night out?!" They smiled.
David looked towards his sons.
"Boys night out."
They continued smiling.
"Boys night out!"
He stopped smiling.
"Mhm...my wife's in Chicago."
They, smiling, backed away into their dark corners leaving him and us with our deep-fried noodles.

Tue, 29 May 2007 04:05:59 GMT

Hundreds of Hours 'Til Fluffy : Part Four, RussGlass Mountain

Oh sure. Russ and I are driving down to Georgia.

"But Jerry! Everyone has road trips!"

Shut up. Shut. UP! ...We're going as cowboys.

We going as cowboys.

Sun, 27 May 2007 00:13:03 GMT

Hundreds of Hours 'Til Fluffy : Part Three, You Cruise, You Lose

I'm getting horrifically old. Not in the sense that my life is almost over, but in the sense that my childhood has all but vanished.
I'm not exactly in a mid-mid-life crisis, I just feel sad that I can no longer indulge in the luxuries of the underage life.

Bills, apartments, bad independent music...I feel like life is kicking me in the balls.

In any case, this is basically as old as I want to get. So I've decided how I'm going to spend my life as an elderly gentleman.

I have decided to become a cruisefellow. I'm going to become sea-based. From age 65 onward, I will continue my life hopping from cruise ship to cruise ship. I really don't mind the route of these cruise ships, I just know I'll be on them.

Why?

The luxury of it all! The buffets, the bad comedians, the single foxy elderly bitches. Of course, the bills will add up, but I'll be able to easily pull the "oh my! I must have left my ticket at home!" No one doubts the elderly.

No one.

Fri, 25 May 2007 05:17:09 GMT

Hundreds of Hours 'Til Fluffy : Part Two, Bean There...Done That

We may have whipped out the Sum 41 CD tonight.
We may have enjoyed it. Just a little bit.

Question: Is the idea of five guys eating Mexican food on the back of a car weird? To the average passerby, I mean. Especially when all five guys are looking at you...with their hands covered in hot sauce and beans. Oh, it was just me with hot sauce covering my hands? That's intelligent design.

I love Taco Bell, but gosh darn it, ten items of food should cost a lot more than $16.21
Call me old fashioned, but I want to know I worked for my food. I shouldn't have several dollars of change left from thirty burritos. While paying with a twenty dollar bill. All those beans slaughtered for nothing...

Thu, 24 May 2007 04:28:32 GMT

Hundreds of Hours 'Til Fluffy : Part One, Internet MAAADNESS!

Livejournal dot com?

HARK!

Liesjournal suits this infernal website more appropriately!
I will renegade against the other users with a force that matches a hurricane.
OR Typhoon

I have personally decided to dis-create the internet.
Not too sure how I'm gonna do it yet. Maybe microwaves.
It's gonna start with this website. Mark my word. Mark my paragraph.

Stay classy.

-Jerry

p.s. I'm starting a cake company called "K K Cakes!"
p.p.s. They only make cheesecake.

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 02:50:37 GMT

The title of my five page long Philosophy paper on Danielle Crittenden's book, What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us

On Love and The Modern Woman and/or The Sexy Twilight Zone

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 03:01:55 GMT

Myspace.com/notinmytownmovie

Watch and be aroused.

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 23:48:15 GMT

Oh man, so weird story.
I saw Planet Of The Apes today.
On the History Channel!?

YOU MANIACS!

YOU BLEW IT ALL UP!!!!!!!

DAMN YOU!

DAAAAAMN YOOOOU!!!!

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 23:08:57 GMT

In general terms,

today I ate a meat sandwich with a side of meat.

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 01:12:52 GMT

If there's something I can't stay away from...
IT'S SHITTY RADIO-ROCK BAND NAMES!!!!
Here are a few I've perfected:

1. Pinchpoint
2. Breakpoint
3. Dewpoint
4. Reflux
5. Hardtimes
6. Stronghead
7. Headstrong
8. Toughlife
9. Deter
10. Runback
11. Fender
12. Trendset
13. P.O.V.
14. Turnback
15. Downside
16. Upside
17. Timelapse
18. Upcurrent
19. Downstream
20. Brainfreeze

Nickelback still really sucks.

My English class is going to be AWESOME

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 00:35:26 GMT

Hyperterminaldipedalascentationphobia.
(n): The intensely crippling fear of walking uphill.

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 07:33:34 GMT

I just suffered one of the biggest shocks of my life.
NOT from watching Mel Gibson's newest movie.

But from watching a porn and thinking one of the people was me.
I was so sure.
Until I found it wasn't

Holy shit my heart is eating itself. He looked just like me...he really did.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 03:35:05 GMT

My niece just gave me a bunch of bananas!

BAAAAAAAAAABIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES!

Dear SUCK

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 20:28:01 GMT

Dear Nickelback,

Let's go back to the time of pre-school, when our lives were so much simpler.
We said what were on our minds, and responded accordingly. Remember how happier we were, Nickelback, remember?
Well...with that said, I'd like to say a statement in the purest form. This is exactly what's on my mind, and I will use the pre-school mindset to deliver my message:

FUCKING. QUIT. IT.

Just quit it. Quit making songs, quit making albums, quit writing, quit singing, quit it.
Today I looked at the Top 10 albums of the country, and within minutes, the list doubled as a top 10 list to end my life. You guys were number four...and I shit blood.
Would it not be easier to just put yourselves out of misery? Drink some cyanide jell-o, write a shitty song about suicide and act it out--whatever you want! Just end it.

I don't know who it was on planet Moron that decided buying your album was ok. Was it Jen? It was Britney, wasn't it. It doesn't matter who it was, it's doing damage at an alarming rate. Kids are now starting to think that it's alright to take a hit song, change four lyrics, and put it out in the world again as a new hit single.
Look, what I'm trying to say is: You guys are killing the world faster than Ebola. There is no cure for Ebola, but there is a cure for Nickelback. Quitting, the fuck, IT.

This is not a threat, nor a warning, it's an official doctrine. I've done this before and practically knocked down Scott Stapp on the same level of Child-molesters. Do you want that, Nickelback? Do you?
All I'm asking *ahem* telling you to do is sell your guitars, cut your hair, and move back to Canada. And then end your lives.
That is so little to ask for.

Trust me, you guys will thank me once the world starts picking up again.
I'm personally excited to live in an America where a girl won't be able to whistle one tune and twelve Nickelback songs at the same time.
Think of it as a global deed, Nickelback. I would say you're reversing the terrible conditions you've created, but frankly, I think global warming has a better effect on the world than you guys.

Take my advice and QUIT IT.

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 02:26:42 GMT

Sucks.

I just don't know what's funnier.

To start a sentence with:

"Holy shit, my arm hurts so badly from tennis. Wii tennis."

or

"I'm getting surgery on my scrotum because..."

I heard one of those statements in a TV show. If you guess which one, you get FREE genital surgery!

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 04:19:38 GMT

And today marks the sixth time I've been in a shower for a movie.

I will not fail to mention, four of those times have been shirtless.

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 01:41:01 GMT

I've...never felt this way before.

New found love...never felt THIS real.

I love you...

Wii

Stolen from philPod

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 05:22:09 GMT

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.
7. Don't use Phil's iPod...cause it's depressed.

Opening Credits:
Career Opportunities - The Clash

Waking Up:
Juicebox - The Strokes (So INTENSE! For the intense man.)

First Day At School:
Too Nice To Talk To - The English Beat

Falling In Love:
Satan In My Mirror - Cake (Smiling!)

Breaking Up:
Redundant - Greenday (Lame. Go dumping!)

Prom:
One Shot, Two Shots - The Format (How I WISHED for "Prom" by MSI.)

Life's OK:
Uh-Oh, Love Comes To Town - The Talking Heads

Driving:
Instant Hit - The Slits (Yeah, if I was driving an angry woman.)

Flashback:
Mysteries - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Getting Back Together:
The Haunting - The Misfits (Hehehehe)

Wedding:
Zombies vs. Robots - The Flaming Tsunamis (YES! YESSSSSS!)

Birth of Child:
No Other One - Weezer (Sentimental often?!)

Final Battle:
Goodnight Moon - Kill Bill Vol. 2 Soundtrack (Fuck yes, sexy battle.)

Death Scene:
Devil Girl - Tiger Army (Nothing like a rockabilly death?)

Funeral Song:
Birdwatching and Vice Versa - The Flaming Tsunamis (Skaneral...)

End Credits:
The Fallen - Franz Ferdinand (Where were you guys during Funeral Song?!)

Coach is a dick!

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 20:55:19 GMT

Luckily, I had a completely normal dream last night!

I was freshly discharged from the Army and ready to go home.
Suddenly, the Government decides to put me in jail instead of Saddam Hussein.
Well...not exactly...
They decided to put me in jail AS Saddam Hussein.
Next thing I know, I'm getting hair implanted on my face.
And I'm pissed. Iraqi pissed!

Then I woke up.

I'm starting to wonder if there is some kind of underlying themes to the weird dreams I've been having.
Furthermore, I really don't know why I've been having such a large amount of weird dreams.

Oh, but today I saw a very sad looking jock-type boy in a uniform.
And I really wanted to say to him:

"Coach says you've been slipping..."

But it probably would have broken his spirits.
By spirits, I mean face.
My face.
He would've beaten me up.

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 01:16:21 GMT

Dear everyone,

Hey, remember that time a few years ago when everyone decided to become massive tools and hate me for a week?
Not that I didn't have fun with all that toolishness, but I finally figured out what could have diverted all that nonsense!

A chocolate vest.
Because you cannot hate a friend if he has chocolate on his torso.

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 03:16:03 GMT

So I was getting a haircut yesterday, and I was at the hairwashing stage...and the lady starts rubbing my head.
Naturally, I assumed that this was part of the routine.
And, obviously, it was.

But, for some reason, I couldn't get the thought out of my head of: Hey, maybe she's hitting on me!
So uh...I think I subconsciously started hitting on her...

Nice haircut though, nice haircut.

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 04:15:42 GMT

I just reached 10,000 profile views on MySpace!

Now I can finally, finally end my life!!!!!

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 00:15:37 GMT

Have you ever met someone and realized their entire life with a look into their eyes?

I have.

The other day, I was on the train and I was looking at the woman sitting directly across from me.
The first thought that popped into my head was:

This woman dishes out head like candy on Halloween.
She is the rich house that gives out the king-sized Milky Way bars.
Except, in place of the king-sized Milky Way are king-sized BJ's.

And then today in my acting class, I got paired up with this guy.
He must've picked the class because, maybe, when he was choosing the class online there was some kind of typo making him think he was enrolling in a marketing or business class.
First thought that popped into my head:

This kid adores shitty rap.
Not even regular shitty rap, but the kind of shitty radio rap that you find on most/every single radio station in the universe.
The kind of rap where the rappers duet with the kind high-profile r&b stars who move their hands alot while singing and have a reality show on VH1 about them.

Just an observation.

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 00:37:18 GMT

Days until Halloween: 2

Number of costumes I've had this weekend: 3

-A Ghost (White sheet with two eye-holes.)

-Jack White (For approximately 40 minutes, with Jesse as Meg White.)

-The Patriot Act (With Matt and Jesse dressed in patriotic colors. We checked people's cell phones.)

iHate Apple

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 20:11:42 GMT

Suck it, Apple!
You think you're so much better than everyone else because you thought of marketing the first million-goddamn-dollar mp3 player!

It doesn't matter how successful you get--you're nothing without the consumer, and you know that.
So you decide to release the same headphones for thirty dollars that have been in stores for years! You didn't come up with the "ear-buds", you copied it and slapped a little bitch name on it. "Ear-buds?" Lame-buds.

Can you guys not release an all new iPod for like...four days?
I don't think anyone really needs an 80 GB iPod with a white disposable shaver and flux capacitor.
You're creating a caste system with every new iPod you release.
Great job releasing the video iPod, what, 9 hours after everyone bought the iPod photo?
I know I look down on the 'tards who bought the iPod photo.

Oh, and do you know what a warrantee is? Seriously, have you heard of it?

Before you start calling it the iWarrantee and selling it for $400, let me explain what it is.
Basically, if something goes wrong with the product, the company will replace the product.
It's like insurance.
You don't tell your customers that there's nothing they can do about the iPod, because there is some "surface scratching."
You replace it, dick-cunt. You replace the goddamn iPod, because the goddamn iPod won't update anymore.
I don't care how much stolen Japanese technology it costs to make me a new iPod, just make it.

You've gotten on my bad side, Apple. If it didn't take me 40 minutes and $2.50 to go to the Apple store and get turned down by your employees, I'd go right now and yell alot. And probably cry some.

Suck it, you cum-bubbles. I'm trading in this monopoly of a music machine for a CD player. Then I'm going to use that $400 I wasted on it to by pornography.
Really gritty, dirty pornography.

Then I'm going to get on the T, take the green line to Lechmere, walk to Cambridge Side Galleria, go down the escalator to the Apple store, and take a piss on every single one of your iPods.

So suck it, Apple, you're an evil monopoly that sells shitty breakable merchandise to people dumb enough to buy it for hundreds of dollars that could be going to Anal DP porn.

I was dumb enough to buy one, but now I'm smart enough to urinate all over your product.

SUCK.
IT.